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Songs and Lyrics

Our extensive songs and lyrics page contains, as the name suggests, a collection of audio files and written lyrics for as many Family Guy musical numbers as we can get our hands on. If you’re looking for a song you can’t find, or you have either an audio file or a set of lyrics we don’t already have, please contact us and we will gladly feature it on the website.
A
A Bag of Weed
420
Listen >>

Stewie: Now everybody gather ’round and listen if you would
When I tell you every person needs a way of feeling good
Every kitty needs a ball of string and every dog a stick
Stewie and Brian: But all you need is a bag of weed to really get a kick
All: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight
A Bag of Weed, A Bag of Weed
Oh, Everything is better with A Bag of Weed
It’s the only hope that you’ll ever need
Cuz’ Everything is better with A Bag of Weed
Stewie: Here you go, you’re all getting it now
Ensemble: When Texas people want to feel good,
Stewie: They go assault a queer.
Ensemble: When stupid people need a thrill,
Stewie: They rent The Rocketeer.
Ensemble: When Michael Jackson needs a rush,
Stewie: He humps a guy like me.
Ensemble: Right!
All: But all we need is a bag of weed,
To keep us worry free.
One, Two, Three, HO!
A Bag of Weed, A Bag of Weed
Oh, everything is better with A Bag of Weed
Oh, you don’t need meth and you don’t need speed
Cuz’ Everything is better with A Bag of Weed
Stewie: Have a go, Brian!
Brian: As Mr. H.L. Mencken said, “The common man’s a fool.”
Stewie: And just like Helen Keller said, “Doof stoo gee nay foo tool.”
Brian: But try and use your heads and don’t buy into all the fear.
All: HEY!
‘Cuz all we need is a bag of weed
To make us wanna cheer!
And One, Two!
A Bag of Weed, A Bag of Weed
Oh, everything is better with A Bag of Weed
You can try and fight but we’re all agreed
Because everything is better with A Bag of Weed

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight,
And One, Two, Three, Four, And A Five, And A Six, And A Seven! HO!!
A Bag of Weed, A Bag of Weed
Oh, everything is better with A Bag of Weed
You’re a happy guy but you can’t proceed
Because everything is better with A Bag…
Of…
Weed!
Oh everything is better with a bag of weed!!

A Hole In The Sea
Whistle While Your Wife Works
All I Really Need is A Boy
Play it Again Brian
A Lot of Tubes
Deep Throats
Listen >>

Peter: They should make a tube that sends you right to work.
That would save a lot of gas, but I guess there’d be a lot of tubes.

A Peter Griffin Christmas
Perfect Castaway
Listen >>

Narrator: Sessions presents, “A Peter Griffin Christmas”. Featuring such standards as…
Peter: (Random jibberish to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)
Reh-dyeh-seh-frah-huh-vraweweh-seh-meh-blah-naruh-reeaaahhh…
Eh-weh-heh-heey everybody look at the snow in the yard…
Narrator: And who could forget?
Peter: (Tune of “Little Drummer Boy”)
I brought these gifts for you they’re up in my bum
Narrator: And everyones favourite…
Peter: (Tune of “Carol of the Bells”)
Blah-la-la-la Laaa-la-la-la
Look at the bellsLook at the bells
Holy crap, here comes Jesus, and he doesn’t look too happy
(Spoken) …Merry Christmas everyone.

All I Really Want For Christmas
Road to the North Pole
Listen >>

Peter:
Jessica Biel and Megan Fox
Wearin’ nothin’ but their socks
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Brian:
Well, that’s just not practical.
Lois:
Spending a week in Mexico
With some black guys and some blow
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Peter:
Aw, that sounds terrific. How about you, kids?
Chris:
I would like a pair of skates,
Then I’d go out skating,
But I really don’t know how to skate.
Haha!
Meg:
I want a Lexus all in pink
And a dad who doesn’t drink.
Peter:
Oh, and that reminds me, twelve kegs of beer.
The Griffins:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Brian:
Santa’s got his work cut out for him.
Peter:
Oh, we ain’t even gotten started yet.
Lois:
I wanna tour the Spanish coast…
Peter:
Lunch with Michael Landon’s ghost…
Peter and Lois:
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Lois:
Wait, what?
Peter:
Forget it. Keep goin’.
Chris:
Jennifer Garner in my bed…
Meg:
Softer voices in my head…
Chris and Meg:
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Stewie:
Yellow cake uranium.
Never mind the reason.
Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball.
[laughs]
Brian:
Doesn’t this seem like too much stuff?
Peter:
Poo on you! It’s not enough!
Stewie:
Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here.
The Griffins:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Brian:
I’m just saying it seems a bit excessive.
Lois:
Oh, get off your soapbox, Brian, it’s Christmas.
Peter:
And Christmas is about gettin’. Everyone in town knows that.
Quagmire:
Japanese girls with no restraint
Just to choke me till I faint
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Ooh, giggity!
Bonnie:
Platinum-plated silverware…
Joe:
Just one day when kids don’t stare…
Bonnie and Joe:
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Mort:
If you put a Christmas tree
In the public airport,
I will go to court and sue your ass!
Happy holiday!
Mayor Adam West:
Wouldn’t I love a Tinkertoy?
Herbert:
And a little drummer boy.
He can either tap his drum or my rear.
Mayor Adam West, Herbert and Mort:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Tom Tucker:
I want a golden mustache comb.
Angela:
And some spermicidal foam.
Tom Tucker and Angela:
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year.
Carter:
I want a brand new pitching wedge.
Consuela:
I would like more Lemon Pledge.
Carter and Consuela:
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year.
Bruce:
I just want a wedding ring
From someone named Jeffrey.
Jillian:
I just want some colored Easter eggs.
Carl:
I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz.
Tomak:
We don’t know what “Christmas” is.
Bellgarde:
We have something else called “Kishgev Fufleer”.
Choir:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year!

As Time Goes By
Play It Again, Brian
Awfully Different
Road To Europe
Listen >>

Stewie and Brian: You and I are so awfully different,
too awfully different,
to ever be pals
Stewie: Do you want to go first?
Brian: Yeah I’ll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade
Stewie: You’re one to talk, you get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad
Brian: Oh one time
Stewie: I’ve a style flair, just look at my hip hair
Brian: Yeah that’s quite a nice doo there
Stewie: Oh thanks
Brian: For me to poop on!
Stewie: What?
Brian: Oh come on, you look like Charlie Brown
Stewie: Bite me Snoopy
Stewie and Brian: There’s not a whole lot, that we’ve got to agree on
Brian: ‘Cause I love the strains of a classical score
Stewie: And I like that singer who looks like a whore
Brian: Ricky Martin?
Stewie: Love ‘em
Stewie and Brian: We’re too different to ever be pals!
You and I are (Do Do Do)
so awfully different (Do Do Do),
too awfully different (Do Do Do),
to ever be pals (Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do)
Brian: Your head’s as massive as a meteorite
Stewie: Oh, very funny
you have a weenie like a Christmas tree light
Brian: I’d bet money you’ll marry a honey, who’s pretty and funny, and her name’ll be Ted
Stewie: Oh, a gay joke
Brian: I just work with what you give me
Stewie and Brian: You might think we’re in sync, but we stink as a duo
Brian: Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts
And you get a kick out of stroking your..
Brian: Woah, woah, woah, you can’t say that on TV
Stewie: What, ego?
Brian: Never mind.
Stewie and Brian: We’re too different to ever be pals

B
Beverly Hills Cop Theme – “He He”
Meet The Quagmires
Listen >>

Peter: He he he he he he he he
He he he he he he he
He he he he he he and then another he he he he he

Buy Me A Rainbow
Don’t Make Me Over
Listen >>

Meg: Cloudy skies and rain clouds have come to stay
Windy nights and sad sights won’t go away

Family: Sha-la-la-la-la-ah

Meg: But I want to be without a care
Unicorns and butterflies everywhere
Family: Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna buy me a rainbow
Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna wrap it up in a great big bow
Meg: The time is right, it’s day not night
Just open up your heart
It’ll be all right
Family: Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna buy me a rainbow
Meg: Buy me a rainbow!
Family: Rainbow!

C
Can’t Touch Me
E.Peterbus Unum
Listen >>

Peter: Can’t touch me
Can’t touch me
Ja ja ja ja
Just like the bad guy
From “Lethal Weapon 2″
I’ve got diplomatic immunity
So Hammer you can’t sue
I can write graffiti
Even j-walk in the street
I can riot, loop, not give a hoot
And touch your sister’s teat

Can’t touch me
Can’t touch me

Adam West: What in God’s name is he doing?
Peter: Can’t touch me
Cleveland: I believe that’s the worm.
Peter: Stop!
Peter time
I’m a big shot, there’s no doubt-
Light a fire, then pee it out
Don’t like it? Kiss my rump
Just for a minute, let’s all do the bump

Can’t touch me
Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump
Can’t touch me

I’m Presidential Peter
Interns think I’m hot
Don’t care if you’re handicapped I’ll still park in your spot
I’ve been around the world
From Harford to Back Bay
It’s Peter
Go Peter
It’s Peter
Go Peter
Let’s see Regis rap this way
Can’t touch me

Cars
Whistle While Your Wife Works
Listen >>

Stewie: Brian had sex
With a really dumb girl
Now he’s taking his friend Stewie
To get some ice cream
In his car
(Brian switches off radio)

Aw, you’re no fun

Christmas Time Is Killing Us
Road to the North Pole
Listen >>

Santa:
Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal
As the holiday feeling was filling us.
But now instead, all we’re feeling is dread
Because Christmastime is killing us!
Elves:
Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed
Till the thought of existence is chilling us.
Santa:
I’ll tell you what. Shove your list up your butt, because…
Santa and Elves:
Christmastime is killing us!
Stewie:
But can’t you see that what you do
Is a dream come true?
Can’t you see that every smile
Makes it all worthwhile?
Santa:
No, screw you! It’s all but through,
There’s too much to do.
All those dreams are nightmares
And blank icy stares.
Each little elf used to fill up a shelf
Making playthings and selflessly thrilling us.
Now they’re on crack and it feels like Iraq
Because Christmastime is killing us!
Elves:
Each model train only heightens the pain
Of the workload that’s straining and drilling us.
Santa:
Fingers all bleed. And look! That guy just peed
Because Christmastime is killing us!
Stewie:
But can’t you see our point of view?
We rely on you.
Can’t you see that Christmas cheer
Gets us through the year?
Santa:
My whole crew is black and blue.
Can’t you take a clue?
You may think I look great,
But I’m twenty-eight!
Santa and Elves:
Each jingle-bell is a requiem knell,
And while you think it’s swell, we are toiling in Hell!
Santa:
Take a look, you can tell, as a man, I’m a shell!
Santa and Elves:
Because Christmastime is killing us!
Killing us!
Christmastime is killing us!

Cowboy Gay Sex
It Takes A Village Idiot, And I Married One
Listen >>

Peter: Well there once were two cowboys all alone out on the trail
And they discovered they could sleep with another male
Now they’re having gay sex
Cowboy gay sex
Sod-o-my
Come on everybody!
Sod-o-my
Sod-o-my
Sodomy

D
Ding! Fries Are Done
Deep Throats
Listen >>

Peter: Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
I’ve got to run
I’ve got to run
I’ve got to run
I’ve got to run
I work at Burger King,
Making Flame Broiled Whoppers
Wearing Paper Hats
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
I’ve got to run
I’ve got to run
I’ve got to run
I’ve got to run
Don’t touch the fries
it hot, fat hurts really bad
and so do skin grafts
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Wait for the bell
Can’t hear the bell
where is the bell
wait for the bell
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done

Do Her
Deep Throats
Listen >>

Peter and Lois: In God’s eyes,
everybody’s hot,
This world has beauty all through her,
Picture the fattest chick you know,
God would totally do her,
He’d do her all the way,
even call her the next day,
to see how work was going

Don’t Stop Believin’ (Journey)
Don’t Make Me Over
Down Syndrome Girl
Extra Large Medium
Listen >>

Stewie: You’ve got to look your best tonight
You tubby little parasite
‘Cause there’s a lovely lady and she’s waiting for you
And though her pretty face may seem
A special person’s wettest dream
Before you get to see it there are things you must do

We’ll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow
Or a rose that shows that you’re a classy fellow
With the posh panache of Jefferson at Monticello
Busting out a mile of style

I know you just can’t wait to stare
At all that luscious orange hair
But boy, before you touch a single curl
You must impress that ultra bloomin’ all-consumin’
Poorly groomin’ Down Syndrome girl

On any normal day you reek
As if you’re on a farting streak
Your finger’s up your nose and you are dripping with drool
But if you want a lady’s love
You’re better off by smelling of
A gentleman’s cologne instead of sneakers and stool

A squirt, a spurt
Of something just for Ellen
And you’ll see, that she, will find you so compellin’
And she does, because
The only smell that she’ll be smellin’
Won’t be coming from your bum

You wanna take that little whore
And spin her on the dancing floor
But boy, before you do a single twirl
You must impress that effervescing
Self-possessing, no BS-ing
Down Syndrome girl

Her eyes are emerald portals
To a secret land of love
And her smile is like the sweetest summer flower
Her kiss is so inviting…

And her hugs are so delighting
And what makes them really nice
Is that they’ve got a little spice
Because they’re tighter than a vice
And they go on for an hour

My boy, between the two of us
We’ll get you on that shorty bus
And then we’ll take it for a whirl
Now go impress that super-thrilling
Wish-fulfilling, Yoohoo spilling
Ultra-swinging, boner-bringing
Gaily singing, dingalinging
Stupefying, fortifying
As of Monday, shoelace tying
Stimulating, titillating
Kitty-cat impersonating
Mega-rocking, pillow-talking
Just a little crooked walking
Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting
For some reason always shouting
Fascinating, captivating
Happiness and joy creating
Down Syndrome Girl!

Druken Irish Dad
Peter’s Two Dads
Listen >>

Peter: Oh, he, Doesn’t smell like Irish spring
And he never taught me anything
But still I slap my chest and sing
Of my drunken Irish dad

Oh, his, face looks like a railroad map
And he never shuts his freakin’ trap
Mickey McFinnegan: But all the ladies catch the clap
From your drunken Irish dad

Peter: Ask a
Hennessey, Tennessee, Morrison, Shaunesy, Riven and Rudy
They’ll tell you the same.
Mc Nolte, Morooney and Potter and Clooney
They feel the same mixture of pride and of shame

Finnegan, Hannegan, Cally and Fannigan
Look to the ground when their Dad passes by
Mickey McFinnegan: Pafferty, Rafferty, Joyson or Lafferty
Fight for his honour and then start to cry

Both: Oh, We Irish lads are all in-firm
And our moods infect us like a germ
Cause were all a spawn of a pickled sperm
Mickey McFinnegan: And we don’t tan well either(Spoken)
Both: From a drunken Irish Dad

E
Errand Boy
Business Guy
Everything I Do
Ocean’s Three and A Half
Listen >>

Stewie: Look into your heart – you will find
There’s nothin’ there to hide
Take me as I am – take my life
I would give it all – I would sacrifice

Don’t tell me it’s not worth fightin’ for
I can’t help it – there’s nothin’ I want more
You know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

Oh yeah

There’s no love like your love
And no other could give more love
There’s nowhere unless you’re there
All the time all the way

Look into your heart babe

Oh – you can’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for
I can’t help it – there’s nothin’ I want more
I would fight for you – I’d lie for you
Walk the wire for you – ya I’d die for you

You know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

Evil, Evil Monkey
Saving Private Brian
Listen >>

Chris: Evil monkey holds the key
Evil monkey’s gonna get me
I’m hiding underneath my sheets for fear he’ll point and show his teeth.

Evil, evil monkey!

Audience: Evil, evil monkey!

Chris: Evil, evil monkey, OWW!!

F
Family Guy Closing Theme Tune
N/A
Family Guy Closing Theme Tune – Jazz
N/A
Family Guy Closing Theme Tune – Rap
N/A
Family Guy Theme Tune – Frank Sinatra Jr.
Brian Sings and Swings
Listen >>

It seems today, that all you see, is violence and movies, and sex on TV
But where are those good old fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there’s a family guy
Lucky there’s a man who
Positively can do
All the the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He’s a family guy!

Fat Ass Baby
To Love And Die In Dixie
Listen >>

Stewie: Warm out today
Warm yesterday
Even warmer today (Spoken)

Met her on my CB
Said her name was Mimi
Sounded like an angel come to earth
Men: come to earth

Stewie: When I went to meet her
Man you shoulda seen her
Twice as tall as me three times the girth
Men: girth

Stewie: Oh my fat baby loves to eat
Men: loves to eat
Stewie: A big ol’ buddha-belly and her breasts swing past her feet
Men: feet
Stewie: My fat baby loves to eeeaaat
My big old fat ass baby loves to eat

I got blisters on me fingers!

Fat Man Funeral Song
The Fat Guy Strangler
Listen >>

Stand up, all fat men
Stand up straight
Stand up because no chair can hold your weight
If God created us to be so big
That’s proof God is a big fat pig
God’s real flabby with as ass so wide
His arms look like pillows with cakemix inside
God’s man boobs are flabby and they hurt when he jogs
And the back of God’s neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

Friendship Is The Best Thing Ever
Hannah Banana
Listen >>

Stewie: You and I didn’t quite get along when we first met
When you put us together we just didn’t blend
Miley: But the more that I know you the more its a good bet
That we’ve got what it takes to be very best friends
Both: Friendship is the Best Thing Ever
Miley: Except for Best Friendship which is a little better
Stewie: You mean a lot better?
Miley: I mean a lot better.
Stewie: Now we’re friends, yes its true
But no one else can friend me like you
Both: Friendship is the Best Thing Ever
Miley: Except for Best Friendship which is a little better
Stewie: You mean a lot better?
Miley: I mean a lot better
Both: With you

G
Give Up The Toad
Let’s Go To The Hop
Listen >>

Peter: You’ll get chills all through your body,
And you’ll lose all control,
Of your bladder and your sphincter,
That’s your butt hole.
Cause if you use toad,
Then I’m telling you,
You can kiss your life goodbye.
Yeah, when you use toad,
It’ll mess you up,
It’ll make your mama cry, that’s no lie,
You’ll choke on your tongue and die.
Gotta give it up.
Students: Give up the toad now
Peter: It’s no joke, buddy, give it up
Students: Gotta give up the toad now
Peter: Or you’ll croak, buddy, give it up
Students: Gotta give up the toad now
Peter: And don’t smoke or you’ll see It hurts to pee.

There’ll be blood, gushing from yer,
Every time that you cough,
And forget getting lucky, it falls off.
Yeah, you better wise up, ’cause I’m telling you,
Toad is what Lando forbids.
Gotta give it all up or you’re gonna see,
Your whole life will hit the skids and your kids will be born without eyelids.
Gotta give it up.
Students: Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando,
All: Give it up
Brian: Give up the toad now
Students: Thanks to you, Lando,
All: Give it up
Students: Gotta give up the toad now
Peter: I’m no fool, Lando’s cool
All: Yeah!

Good Morning
Believe It Or Not, Joe’s Walking On Air
Listen >>

All: Good Morning, Good Morning
Cleveland: It’s great to stay up late
All: Good Morning, Good Morning, to you
Peter: When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright
Quagmire: But the milkman’s on his way, it’s too late to say goodnight
Joe: SO SAY GOOD MORNING!
Quagmire: AHH! (Sobbing) Good morning, sunbeams will soon shine through
All: Good morning, good morning, to you
Stewie: Wouldn’t it be grander to be in Louisiana, in the morning, in the mor…
Oh sorry, I thought we were still going. (spoken)

H
Heart and Soul
The Big Bang Theory
Listen >>

Brian: Bum ba da da bum ba da da
Stewie: Heart and soul, I fell in love with you,
Brian: Bum ba da da bum ba da da
Stewie: Heart and soul, the way a fool would do,
Brian: Bum ba da da bum ba da da
Stewie: Madly…Because you held me tight,
Brian: Bum ba da da bum ba da da
Stewie: And stole a kiss in the night
Brian: Bum ba da da bum ba da da

Herbert’s Nokia Theme Tune
The Tan Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Hic-A-Doo-La
Fore, Father
Listen >>

All: Hic-a-doo-la!
All: We’re gonna all hang ten, then maybe then
All: Hic-a-doo-la!
Boys: Cause I’m a hic-a-doo-la boy,
Girls: and I’m a hic-a-doo-la girl
All: And together it is a hic-a-doo-la world
All: Hic-a-doo-la!

Chris: Mr Quagmire, what does “hic-a-doo-la” mean?
All: What does “hic-a-doo-la” mean?
Boy 1: Well hic-a-doo-la’s that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best girl,
Girl: It’s cheering real loud for the home team,
Boy 2: It’s catching the perfect wave,
Captain: It’s obeying all the rules!
All: NO WAY!!!
All: Hic-a-doo-la!

Hope and Rape
Prick Up Your Ears (Deleted Scene)
Listen >>

Voiceover:
She’s a former model,
He’s a former rapist,
Livin’ in a fabulous loft
Now she’s learning Spanish
He’s tryin’ not to rape her
But it’s tough to keep it soft
Hope and Rape
Will they make it?
Hope and Rape
Can she take it?
It’s only rape
If she doesn’t consent!
Yeah!

I
I Am Peter Griffin
Saving Private Brian
Listen >>

Peter: I am Peter Griffin
I like fancy food
I like reading comic books
and dressing like a dude
Yeah, rock’n'roll! (spoken)

Ice Cream Truck Song
Perfect Castaway
I Like Farts
The Man With Two Brians
Listen >>

New Brian:I don’t like fancy learning books
I don’t like apple tarts
I don’t like cosy breakfast nooks
I don’t like modern arts…
Well I like farts
Yes I like farts
I like long farts short farts wet farts your farts
I like farts
If you’ve got heart
Peter: Oh I’ve got heart
New Brian:Let’s hear those farts
Peter: How do I start
New Brian:Well Peter I will help you get your farting started
(makes fart sounds with Peter)

Intercourse With You
Don’t Make Me Over
Listen >>

Stewie: I want to have intercourse with you
Ooh, ooh, yeah, intercourse with you
Brian: Relations
Stewie: Intercourse with you-u-u-u!

I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
You May Now Kiss the…Uh…Guy Who Receives
Listen >>

Proclaimers: But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
And fall down at your door
Na, na, na, na
Peter: Da, da, da, da
Proclaimers: Na, na, na, na
Peter: Da, da, da, da
All: Na, na, na
(Peter starts slapping one of the singers’ guitars, and then punches him in the face)
Peter: No, no, no. I’m singing, I’m singing! (spoken)

I’m The Greatest Captain
The Thin White Line
Listen >>

All but Stewie: And your record will stand as true
Stewie: Be it a galleon or a freighter, I’m an excellent navigator
All but Stewie: And you’re also a world class puff
Stewie: My manor quite defeat is mistaken on the street for a sailor who can piroette-on-que…
but dispite your point-of-view, I can thrill the girl or two, but I’d rather get it on with you
All: Ha Ha Ha!

I Need A Jew
When You Wish Upon A Weinstein
Listen >>

Peter: Nothing else has worked so far
So I’ll wish upon a star
Wondrous dancing spec of light
I need a Jew

Lois makes me take the rap
‘Cause our checkbook looks like crap
Since I can’t give her a slap
I need a Jew

Where to find
A Baum or Stein or Stien
To teach me how to whine
And do my taxes
Though by many they’re abhorred
Hebrew people I’ve adored
Even though they killed my lord
I need a Jew

I Remember
Petergeist
Listen >>

Stewie: I remember
I remember the worry, worry
I could I ever forget
The hurt doesn’t show, but the pain still grow-ows
No stranger to you and me
(mimics drum beats into chorus)

I’ve Got A Little List
Lois Kills Stewie
Listen >>

Stewie: As someday it may happen that a victim must be found.
I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list.
Of socitey offenders who might well be underground,
and who never would be missed,who never would be missed.

Theres the white kid with the baggy clothes who’s talking like hes black.
The girl you date who doesnt get the jokes in Caddyshack.
The Asian guy who cuts infront of every single line,
and Britney Spears for accidently showing her vagine.
And Bill ‘O Rileys ineffective dermatoligist.
May none of them be missed, may none of them be missed.

Men: He’s got them on the list.
He’s got them on the list.
And may none of them be missed.
May none of them be missed.

There’s the guy behind the news reporter waving like a fool
And senator Bill Frist, I’ve got him on the list.
And the fat kid smiling warmly while hes peeing in the pool.
He never would be missed, he never would be missed.
There’s the foul smelling boy who comes to school in camoflauge,
and every bleeding member of the cast of Entourage.
And while we are on the subject HBO deserves a whack
for ending the Soppranos with a f***ing cut to black.
And guys who when you shake there hand just bump you with there fist.
I don’t think theyd be missed, I’m sure theyd not be missed.

Men: He’s got them on the list.
He’s got them on the list.
And may none of them be missed.
May none of them be missed.

There’s the guy who sits beside you and keeps
farting on the plane.
And Shakira’s lyricist, I’ve got him on the list.
And the smarty on Thanksgiving who says its the “trip to fame”.
He never would be missed, he never would be missed
There’s the blonde who tells you loudly with a
voice just like a knife “you know someone should
do a sitcom based around my life!”
The guy who watched “The Simpsons” back in 1994, and wont admit the
damn thing isn’t funny anymore.
And a-n-y-one and everyone who’s ever made me pissed!

I’ve got them on the list
May none of them be missed.
May none of them be missed!

I’ve Got James Woods
Peter’s Got Woods
Listen >>

Peter: Someone to care for, to be there for;
I have James Woods
James: Someone to do for, muddle through for; You have James Woods
Peter: Someone to share joy or despair with, whichever betides you
James: Life becomes a chore…
Both: Unless you’re living for…
Peter: Someone to tend to, be a friend to; I have James Woods
James: Someone to strive for, do or die for; You have James Woods
Both: It’s true, we two, have a likewise point of view
James: ‘Cause James Woods has you
Peter: And I have James Woods, too!

J
Jesus’ Finger Trick
Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story
Jumping Double Dutch
It’s A Trap!
Listen >>

R2-D2:
Here I am on Tatooine
Jumping double dutch like you never seen
I know my way around a rope
Princess Leia:
Help me Obi Wan you’re my only hope.

L
Land Down Under
Long John Peter
Life of The Wife
One If By Clam, Two If By Sea
Listen >>

Eliza: How do you do?
Stewie: What did you say?
Eliza: The life of the wife is ended by the knife
Stewie: I think she’s got it! I think she’s got it!
Eliza: The life of the wife is ended by the knife
Stewie: By George she’s got it! By George she’s got it!
Now what ends her wretched life?
Eliza: The knife! The knife!
Stewie: And where’s that bloody knife?
Eliza: In the wife! In the wife!
Eliza and Stewie: The life of the wife is ended by the knife
Stewie: Bravo Eliza
Eliza and Stewie: The life of the wife is ended by the knife

Low Leveled Man
Fast Times At Buddi Cianci Jr. High (Deleted Scene)
Like A Rhinestone Cowboy
There’s Something About Paulie
Listen >>

Peter: Like a rhinestone cowboy! Dah Dah!

*gibberish, trying to remember the lyrics* on a star spangled horse in rodeo.

Peter: For my next number!
Mob: *Points guns at Peter*
Peter: Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket.

M
Maude
No Meals on Wheels
Listen >>

Peter: Oh, look, it’s one of those early “Maude” episodes with the really
long opening credit sequence.

TV: Lady Godiva was a freedom rider
She didn’t care if the whole world looked
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her
She was a sister who really cooked
Madame Curie was a strong woman character
Workin’ all day in a science lab, yeah
Clara Barton was a famous nurse
Who was rapping with the soldiers and bandages too
Susan B. Anthony, always out doin’ stuff
Marchin’ around and holdin’ up signs

Peter: “And then there’s Maude.”

TV: Pocahontas had it all goin’ on…

Peter: What the hell?

TV: …an Indian guide with lots of Indian pride Indira Gandhi ran a whole big country That isn’t easy even if you’re a guy…

Peter: “And then there’s Maude.”

TV: Babe Zaharias was a really good athelete…

Peter: Aw, come on!

TV: …Good at track and field and professional golf, too

Peter: “And then there’s Maude”!

TV: Amelia Earhart flew a lot of airplanes Except for that one time when she didn’t come back Cleopatra lived way out in the desert…

Peter: “And then there’s Maude”! Come on!

TV: But still found a way to keep herself looking fine
And then there’s Maude…

Peter: Ahh! Ahh! There we go! That was an ordeal.

Mintos Parody
Mind Over Murder
Listen >>

Chorus: Doobey Doo-aaah Doo-aaaah
Singer: When life is getting to you
Put some fresh in your life
Let Mintos freshen up your life
Life is just a breeze, when you stay fresh and cool
Because Mintos puts the fresh in life
Chorus: Taste that freshness
Just can’t beat it
Mintos freshness, let Mintos freshen up your life
Announcer: Mintos, the freshmaker!

Mr. Booze
Friends of Peter G
Listen >>

Peter:
Mr Booze

Audience:
Mr Booze

Peter:
Mr Booze
Mr B Double O Z E

Brian & Bruce:
That sure spells booze

Peter:
You will wind up wearing tattered shoes, if you mess with Mr. Booze

Brian & Bruce:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze

Audience:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze

Peter:
Don’t mess with Mr. B-Double O-Z-E
If you been so stiff they thought you died
You’ll feel better once you’ve testified

Audience:
Testify

Bruce:
Oh yeah!

Audience:
Testify

Bruce:
I wanna testify, I wanna testify!

Peter:
Well then cleanse yourself my son, cleanse yourself!

Bruce:
One time I took a library book out and I fells asleep reading it and I left it under the bed.
I forgot about it for three and a half years.
I was gonna take it back on Amnesty Day,
but on Amnesty Day I had a sip of Rosé wine and I never made it out of the house

Peter:
Who’s to blame?

Audience:
Who’s to blame?

Peter:
What’s his name?

Audience:
We know his name, his name is
Mr. Booze
Mr. Booze
Mr. B-Double O-Z-E don’t ever choose
Any game you play with him, you’ll lose
so don’t mess with Mr. Booze!

Peter:
If your head feels like it’s two miles wide

Audience:
Two miles wide!

Peter:
You’ll feel better once you’ve testified

Audience:
Testified

Brian:
Oh Yeah

Audience:
Testify

Carl:
I wanna testify, I wanna testify!

Peter:
Well come forward dear brother and testify!

Carl:
I used to be a soda pop guy.
Then I switched to the bottle.
Now I don’t leave my couch and I’ve seen every movie ever.
You name a movie, I’ve seen it

Audience:
Meet Dave

Carl:
Seen it

Audience:
The Eiger Sanction

Carl:
Seen it

Audience:
Donovan’s Reef

Carl:
Seen it

Audience:
License to Drive!

Carl:
Definitely seen it

Peter, Bruce & Brian:
That’s a shame

Audience:
What a shame

Peter, Bruce & Brian:
Who’s to blame

Audience:
For Corey Haim?

Peter:
His name is…

Audience:
What’s his name?
His name is
Mr. Booze
Mr. Booze
Mr. B-Double O-Z-E you must refuse
You’ll make the obituary news
If you mess with Mr. Booze
If you’ve been so stiff they’d thought you died
You’ll feel better once you’ve testified
Testify
Testify

Tom Tucker:
This man wants to testify

Peter:
Very well my brother
Let us lead him on the path of righteousness

Tom:
This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences.
But after years of drinking he can only speak in short, choppy utterances.
Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were
he’d say Leonard Bernstein, Johan Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
But thanks to that old devil hooch, it’s all changed
Who’s your favorite musician, Ollie?

Ollie:
Cher!

Tom:
He doesn’t even like Cher!

Brian:
Now alcohol makes a big man small
And can lead to a life of crime

Audience:
Yeah!

Bruce:
Demon rum makes a gent a bum
And cash in before your time

Audience:
Yeah!

Dr. Hartman: Bootleg gin puts you in a spin
Till you don’t even know your name

Audience:
Yeah!

Peter:
You’re a basket case flat on your face
And there’s only one guy to blame

Audience:
Mr. B-Double O-Z-E
Mr. Booze
Mr. Booze
Mr. B-Double O-Z-E Don’t ever choose

Peter:
You will wind up wearing tattered shoes
If you mess with Mr. Booze

Audience:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze

Peter:
Oh Mr. Booze

Audience:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze

Peter:
Oh Mr. Booze

Audience:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze

Brian:
Don’t mess with B-Double O-Z-E
‘Cause that spells booze
And you gotta lose with Mr. Booze

Audience:
Oh, Yeah!

Brian:
Don’t mess around with Mr. Booze

Audience:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze

Bruce:
That’s what he said now

Audience:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze

Peter:
Oh Mr. Booze

Audience:
Don’t mess with Mr. Booze
Don’t mess with Mr. …
Don’t mess with Mr. …
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Don’t mess with ah-ah
Oh Mr. Booze
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Yeah!

Mr. Sulu Show Theme
Tiegs for Two
Listen >>

Mr. Washee Washee:
Sulu, he star of the show
Other guys just along for the ride

My Black Son
Road To Rupert
Listen >>

Peter: This time around
I’m stayin’ at home
And things are gonna get better
Settlin’ in
Lovin’ my wife
But then I got that letter
My Black Son
My Black Son
Now each day my heart is gettin’ bigger
Don’t even remember sleeping with that lady but I did
My Black Son
He’s comin’ to stay
My Black Son
He’s makin’ each day
The best that he can!

Also, he’s a ninja

N
Never Gonna Give You Up
Meet The Quagmires
Listen >>

Brian: Here’s a song by a gay guy (spoken).
We’re no strangers to love
You know the rules, and so do I
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Backing Vocals: ooooh
Give you up
ooooh
Give you up

Brian: Never gonna give, never gonna give
Backing Vocals: Give you up

Brian: Never gonna give, never gonna give
Backing Vocals: Give you up
Brian: Never gonna give…

Noble Indian Chief
Deep Throats
Listen >>

Peter and Lois: Noble Indian Chief,
Bring us back your ways,
You Indians were so awesome,
in oh so many ways,
They all loved each other,
regardless of their tribe,
One Comanche needs a cup of sugar,
and the Blackfoot would oblige,
(oblige)
Peter: The only cause of death,
was drifting off to sleep,
and they left this piece of wisdom,
that we hope you all will keep,
And they said,
Both: Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah, Wah Wah Wah Wah, Wah Wah Wah Wah wah waah
Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah, Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Waaah
Lois: They’re gone now.
Peter: How could this have happened?

O
Opening Theme (with Peter’s accident)
Whistle While Your Wife Works
Listen >>

Lois: It seems today
That all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV

Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values

All: On which we used to rely?
Lucky there’s a Family Guy
Lucky there’s a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us

Peter: (falls down stairs) AAAH! Ow! Aaah! Aaah, ow, ow! (lands on dancer) Dammit!

Lois: Peter, are you all right?

Peter: N-no. I think you should call somebody.

Brian: Ma’am, are you all right?

Dancer: I can’t…breathe…

Brian: Oh, God, I think she’s punctured a lung!

Peter: Aw, dammit, look at my foot, it’s already starting to swell up. I’m looking forward to this week. Friggin’ swelled foot all week.

Stewie: You know we should, we should, you should probably go ahead and shut that off.

Over There
Saving Private Brian
Listen >>

Vern: I’ll tell you what’s ridiculous! The Kaiser! Somebody should put him on a roll!
Over, we’re coming over
And we won’t come back till it’s over, over there
Commercial!
…Damn, play me some filler, Johnny! (Johnny plays a vaudeville tune and Vern begins to dance, before Stewie shoots them both several times until they’re clearly dead)

Stewie: Okay, they’re dead. Alright? We’re not gonna be seeing them again.

P
Peanut Butter Jelly Time
The Courtship Of Stewie’s Father
Listen >>

Brian: It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time
Peanut Butter Jelly Time
Hey Yeah! Hey Yeah!
There you go! There you go!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peter: Sorry Brian, its just not doing it today…(Spoken)
Brian: Do the Peanut Butter Jelly
Beat the Butter Jelly
Beat the Butter jelly with a baseball bat!

Peter Griffin’s Champagne Dance Party
Airport ’07
Listen >>

Peter: Hiya, kids, it’s a Peter Griffin’s Champagne Dance Party, and oh, we got a hot one today! (spoken)

Singers: Oh, Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me?
It’s so new to me
What you do to me?
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me?
When you’re holding me tight

Peter: Holy shit, eh? We’re a-fuckin-a smokin’ now, ah?

Peter and Michael Moore’s Fart Song
Perfect Castaway
Peter’s Theme Music
Family Guy Viewer Mail #1
Pie
Road To The Multiverse
Pocketful Of Miracles
From Method To Madness
Listen >>

Stewie: I’ve got my top hat and cane
And a pocketful of miracles
Pocketful of miracles
Pocketful of miracles

Audience: You Suck! Somebody get a hook! (spoken)

Prom Night Dumpster Baby
Airport ’07
Listen >>

Baby: I’m just a prom night dumpster baby
I got no mom, or dad
Prom night dumpster baby
My story isn’t long but boy it’s awfully sad

Backups: Ba-ba-ba-ba-bum

Baby: And though I came from a hole

Backups: And though he came from a hole

Baby: I’m singin’ right from the soul

Backups: He’s singin’ right from the soul

Baby: My fanny needs a blanket, and somebody to spank it
I miss my mom

Bass Baby: But she’s at the prom

All babies: So I’m a prom night dumpster baby
Prom night dumpster baby
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bum

Baby: And I’m takin’ a stroll
Backups: He’s takin’ a stroll
Baby: I’m takin’ a stroll
Backups: He’s takin’ a stroll
Baby: I’m takin’ a stroll
Backups: He’s takin’ a stroll
Baby: Uh huh-huh-huh–I’m takin’ a stroll
Backups: He’s takin’ a stroll
Baby: I’m takin’ a stroll

Pure Inebriation
Wasted Talent
Listen >>

Pawtucket Pat:
Take a drink and you’ll sink
To a state of pure inebriation
You’ll be tanked like the whole Irish nation
When you drink enough of my beer you will find this magic rule
Make your every joke a jewel
You’ll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul
Go on buds, drink my suds
Till you’ve reached that pure inebriation
Though the beer may be free, you’re just renting it from me

Q
Quagmire’s Theme Tune
Airport ’07
Listen >>

Who else but Quagmire?

He’s Quagmire, Quagmire
You never really know what he’s gonna do next
He’s Quagmire Quagmire
Giggity giggity giggity giggity
Lets have sex!

R
Randy Newman Spoof
Da Boom
Listen >>

Randy: Fat man with and his kids and dog.
Drove in through the morning fog.
Hey there Rover, come on over…
Lois: Well its nice to have a little music while we eat.(Spoken)
Randy: Red headed lady, Reaching for an apple.
Gonna take a bite, nope, nope.
She gonna breathe on it first,wipe it on her blouse.
She takes a bite.
Chews it once,twice,three times, four times, stops!
Saliva workin’, takes a hard long look at Randy…
five times.
Fat old husband walking over.
Lois: Lets get the hell out of here.(Spoken)
Randy: Yeah, There walking down the road
Left foot,Right foot
Left foot,Right foot
Left foot

Republican Town
Excellence in Broadcasting
Listen >>

Brian:
I dream of Republican Town,
Where men to the right of the aisle don’t back down.
The streets are aglow with the smell of apple pies
And babies come out of the womb in coats and ties.
Nice place, huh, Rush?

Rush Limbaugh:
It’s a paradise, Brian.
Trees grow from Republican sod.
And everyone prays to a proper right-wing God.

Lois:
Republican Catholics?

Brian:
Yes, indeed, there are!

Lois:
Republican Muslims?

Brian:
Now, let’s not go too far.

Lois:
No Muslims?

Rush Limbaugh:
Eh, too many tall buildings.

Brian:
They’ve outlawed all abortions,
Late or early.
It’s a sin we can’t abide.

Lois:
What if you find a fetus
Left abandoned?

Rush Limbaugh:
We just take it
And we jam it back inside.

Brian:
Aw, yes, ’cause I dream of Republican Town,
The place where the happiest smile is Cheney’s frown.
I’ll bet you a buck you won’t find a damn thing wrong
‘Cause when you come down to it,
This is where we all belong.

Lois:
Who else lives here?

Brian:
Oh, big names, Lois.
We’re watching Republican stars…

Rush Limbaugh:
Like sweet Mickey Rourke, and his gorgeous right-wing scars.

Brian:
Chuck Norris is one…

Rush Limbaugh:
And he’s got a right-wing beard.

Brian:
Jon Voight is another…

Rush Limbaugh:
He’s just right-wing weird.

Brian:
His, uh, his daughter’s pretty hot, though.

Rush Limbaugh:
At one time, Brian. At one time.

Lois:
But how ’bout global warming?

Brian:
It’s a snow job
By Obama and his crew.

Lois:
But aren’t all his findings
Backed by science?

Rush Limbaugh:
Careful, Lois,
Now you’re sounding like a Jew!

Brian:
Oy!
We dream of Republican Town,
Where Clinton is viewed as a crazy Commie clown.

Rush Limbaugh:
A place where America’s growing free and strong.

Brian:
‘Cause when you come down to it,
This is where we all belong!

Rocketman
And The Wiener Is…
Listen >>

Stewie: She packed my bags, last night,
pre-flight, zero hour, 9am.
And I’m gonna be high
As a kite by then. (spoken)

Stewie: And I think it’s gonna a be a long long time
till touch down brings me round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home,
Oh no, no, no, I’m a rocket man.
Rocket man burning out his fuse out here alone.

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
till touch down brings me round again to find,
I’m not the man they think I am at home,
Oh no no no I’m a rock-et-man.
Rocket man burning out his fuse out here
alone.

Rocklobster
The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire
Listen >>

Peter: We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
But it wasn’t a rock
It was a rock lobster!
Rock lobster!
ROCK LOBSTER!

S
Second Time Around
Brian Sings and Swings
She Ugly
Whistle While Your Wife Works
Listen >>

Stewie: She ain’t got no alibi, she UGLY! She UGLY!
U-G-L-Y, she ain’t got no alibi, she UGLY!
M – she’s major ugly, O – she’s fat and pugly, O – my God, no, the cow says “moo”!

Shipoopi
Patriot Games
Listen >>

Now a woman who’ll kiss on a very first date,
Is usually a hussy,
And a woman who’ll kiss on the second time out,
Is anything but fussy,
But a woman who’ll wait ’till the third time around,
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground,
She’s the girl he’s glad he’s found,
She’s his Shipoopi.

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,
The girl who’s hard to get.
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,
But you can win her yet.

Walk her once just to raise the curtain,
Walk around twice and you make for certain.
Once more in the flower garden,
She will never get sore if you beg her pardon.

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do,
Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do.

Squeeze her once when she isn’t lookin’.
Get a squeeze back that’s fancy cookin’.
Once more for a pepper-upper,
She will never get sore on her way to supper,

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do,

Now little ol’ sal was a No-gal,
As anyone could see,
Look at her now, She’s a Go-Gal,
Who only goes for me,

Squeeze her once when she isn’t lookin’
Get a squeeze back that’s fancy cookin’
Once more for a pepper-upper,
She will never get sore on her way to supper,

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do,

Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi,
The girl who’s hard to get,
Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi,
But you can win her yet.

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,
The girl who’s hard to get.
Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi,
But you can win her yet.
Shipoopi!
Shipoopi!

You can win her yet!

Shipoopi!

Peter: (spoken) Alright. I made a touchdown.

Shippopi (Italian)
Patriot Games
So Long, Farewell
Mr. Saturday Knight
Listen >>

Chris, Meg & Stewie: So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
Meg: I’d like to stay and taste my first champagne, Yes?
Peter: No!
Chris and Stewie: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye
Chris: I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye — Goodbye!
Stewie: The sun has gone to bed and so must I
Chris, Meg & Stewie: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Peter, Lois, Brian & Mr. Weed: Goodbye

Somewhere That’s Green
The Courtship of Stewie’s Father
Listen >>

Herbert: He rakes and trims the grass, he loves to mow and weed
I cook like Betty Crocker and I look like Donna Reed
There’s plastic on the furniture to keep it neat and clean
In the Pine-Sol scented air, somewhere that’s green

Between our frozen dinners and our bedtime 9:15
We snuggle watching Lucy on our big, enormous 12-inch screen
I’m his December bride, Chris Griffin he knows best
The kids play Howdy-Doody as the sun sets in the west

A picture out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Someday I know, we two will go somewhere that’s green

Spiderman
Bango Was His Name, Oh!
Stewie’s Sad Walking Away Song (Extended)
Wasted Talent
Surfin’ Bird
I Dream of Jesus
Listen >>

The Trashmen: A-well-a everybody’s heard about the bird
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
Peter: Oh my god, this is “Surfin’ Bird” by The Trashmen; this is my favourite song of all time! (spoken)
A-well-a bird bird bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a bird bird bird well the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a bird bird bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a bird bird bird well the bird is the word
Chris; don’t you know about the bird?
Meg; everybody knows that the bird is the word!
A-well-a bird bird bird, the bird is the word
Hey! Guy behind the counter; the bird is the word
Hey! Frightened little child; the bird is the word
Lady on the toilet; the bird is the word
Hey! Don’t you know about the bird?
Girl: Sure! Everybody knows that the bird is the word!
Peter: A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a bird!
Stewie: Again! Again! I love repitition! (spoken)

T
Take Me Out To pLace Tonight
Tales of A Third Grade Nothing
Listen >> (original)
Listen >> (extended)

Frank: On the western side of Quahog, if you’d care to come along, there’s a club that’s so exclusive that the line is ten miles long.
Brian: Where the douchebags come to party and to spend their fathers’ cash – just to take home slutty women and then wake up with a rash. Yeah they wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up with a rash!
Both: Take me out to pLace tonight, where the wool knit caps are tight.
Frank: And the guys in hooded sweatshirts have forgotten that they’re white.
Both: Take me out to pLace tonight where there ain’t no cellulite, and we’ll drink ourselves insane until we’re feeling… dynamite!

Terri Schiavo is Kind of Alive-o
Peter-assment
That Guy
Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington
Listen >>

Diamonds, daisies, snowflakes
That Guy
Chestnuts, rainbows, springtime
Is That Guy
He’s tinsel on a tree
He’s everything that every guy should be
Sable, popcorn, white wine
That Guy
Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway
Is That Guy
He’s mine alone, but luckily for you
If you find a guy to love
Only one guy to love
Then he’ll be That Guy too!
That Guy!

The Chumba Wumba Song
Wasted Talent
Listen >>

Chumba wumba gobbledy goo
Life isn’t fair
Its sad but its true
Chumba wumba gobbledy gee
When your poor legs are stiff as a tree

What do you do when your stuck in a chair?
Finding it hard to go up and down stairs
What do you think of the one you call god?
Isn’t his absence slightly odd?
Maybe he’s forgotten you

Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse
Count yourself lucky you’re not a horse
They would turn you into dog food
Or into chumba wumba gobbledy glue

The Four Peters
Model Misbehaviour
The Freakin’ FCC
PTV
Listen >>

Peter: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this
Brian: They will make you take a tinkle when you wanna take a piss
Stewie: And they’ll make you call fellatio a trouser friendly kiss
All: Here’s the plain situation! There’s no negotiation with the fellows at the freakin’ FCC!
Brian: They’re as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups
Peter: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
Stewie: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!
All: Take a tip, take a lesson! you’ll never win by messin’ With the fellas at the freakin’ FCC
Peter: And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing
You’re gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling…cause you can’t say penis!
So they sent this little warning they’re prepared to do their worst
Brian: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be co-erced
Stewie: I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first!
All: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic
They’re the fellas at the freakin FCC!

The Road To Rhode Island
Road To Rhode Island
Listen >>

Brian and Stewie: We’re off on the road to Rhode Island
We’re having the time of our lives
Stewie: Take it, dog
Brian: We’re quite a pair of partners; just like Thelma and Louise
‘Cept you’re not 6 feel tall
Stewie: Yes, and your breasts don’t reach your knees
Brian: Give it time
Both: We’re off on the road to Rhode Island
We’re certainly going in style
Brian: I’m with an intellectual who craps inside his pants
Stewie: How dare you! At least I don’t leave urine stains on all the household plants
Brian: Oh, pee jokes
Both: We’ve travelled and bit and we’ve found
Like a massacist in newport, we’re Rhode Island bound.
Brian: Crazy travel conditions, huh?
Stewie: First class or no class!
Brian: Oh, careful with that joke, it’s an antique.
Both: We’re off on the road to Rhode Island
We’re not gonna stop ’till we’re there
Brian: Maybe for a beer
Whatever dangers we may face, we’ll never fear or cry
Stewie: That’s right
Until we’re syndicated, Fox will never let us die…please!
Both: We’re off on the road to Rhode Island
The home of that old campus swing
Brian: We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass
Stewie: Mmm Hmm; we’d tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass
Brian: Yikes!
Both: We certainly do get around
Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Pillith Colony
We’re Rhode Island Bound
Or like a group of college freshman who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown
We’re Rhode Island Bound!

The Rose
Baby Not on Board
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Peter: Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed

All :When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong

Peter: Just remember that in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose.

The Spirit Of Massachusettes
Play It Again, Brian
Listen >>

Peter: The spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America
All: The spirit of what’s old and what’s new
The spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America
The spirit of the red white and blue

The spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America
The spirit of what’s old and what’s new
The spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America
The spirit of the red white and blue

The Things We Did Last Summer
Love Blactually
The Worry Song
Road To Rupert
Listen >>

Stewie: You may think that song and dance is dated, boring and dry
But you might just learn to like it if you give it a try
You could laugh and sing and dance as gayly as an elf
But just in case you don’t believe me, ask the man himself…

Mr. Kelly? Will you show us? (spoken)

Gene Kelly: I’ll show ya!

Stewie: Let’s do it!

Gene Kelly: Good!
One, two, three, four…

Stewie: One, two, three, four…

Gene Kelly: One, two, three…

Stewie: One, two, three…

Gene Kelly: La-la-la-la-la-la

Stewie: La-la-la-la-la-la

Gene Kelly: You see?

Stewie: It’s easy!

Stewie: Look at me, I’m dancing!

They Call Me Bill
Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington
Listen >>

Dollar bill: They call me Bill, oh they call me Bill, and I’m standing here on capital (get’s picked up by trash collector and screams)

This House Is Freakin’ Sweet
Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater
Listen >>

Servants: We Only Live to kiss your ass!
Butler: Kiss it? Oh, We’ll even wipe in for you!

Servants: From here on in it’s easy street!
Peter: Any bars on that street?
Butler: 24 happy hours a day.
Peter: Oh Boy!

Servants: We’ll stop jahovas at the gate!
Guard: Can I see that panflit, sir?
Holder: Ow!
Peter: My God, this house is freakin’ sweet!

Chef 1: I make brunch, Clyde cooks lunch,
Chef 1 & 2: Each and Everyday!
Chef 2: Chocolate Cake, a la Blake!
Peter: 100 bucks, Blake is gay!

Servants: We’ll do the best we can with Meg!
Meg: Are you saying I’m ugly?
Maid: It doesn’t matter, dear, your rich now!

Servants: We’ll do your nails and rub your feet!
Lois: Oh, that’s not nessa- Oh My!

Servants: We’ll do your homework every night!
Chris: It’s really hard!
Butler: That’s why we got that Steven Hawkings guy.
Peter: My God, This house is freakin’ sweet!

Peter: Used to pass lots of gas!
Peter: Lois ran away!
Peter: Now we got 30 rooms!
Peter: Hello beans!
Peter: Goodbye spray!

Servants: We’ll take a bullet just for you!
Stewie: Oh what a coincidence, I’ve got one!
Lois: Stewie!

Servants: Prepare to suck that golden tea! Now that your stinking rich, we’ll gladly be your bitch!

Peter: My God, This house is freakin’ sweeeet!
Servants: Welcome!

Through The Trees
Peter’s Got Woods
Time of My Life
Blue Harvest
Listen >>

Herbert: Now I’ve had the time of my life
and I owe it all to you
I’ve been waiting for so long
Now I’ve finally found someone
To stand by me
So we take each other’s hand
‘Cause we seem to understand the urgency
just remember
You’re the one thing
I can’t get enough of
So I’ll tell you something
This could be love

Because I’ve had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it’s the truth
And I owe it all to you

U
Up Where We Belong
Emission Impossible
Listen >>

Stewie and Bertram: Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles fly, on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong

V
Vasectomy
Sibling Rivalry
Listen >>

Quartet: A vasectomy’s a medical procedure
One that makes you half a man (you’re half a man)
Remember when you twisted up your garden hose
Well, essentially, that is the plan
That is the plan

Peter: Well, I’m startin’ to get the picture, but how’s it done?

Quartet: You make a small incision in the scrotal skin
Isolate the vas and then, isolate the vas and then
Hold it in position with a towel clamp
Then you snip the fibrous tissue
Bass Solo: Then you snip the fibrous tissue
Quartet: Hey but you’ll never have to wear a condom
When you do it with your wife
…or anyone else you do it with. We promise not to tell, like that new hot chick at work. You know, the one who always has high beams under her ribbed-white cotton T-shirt, but then stares daggers at you for checking her out, and it’s like, why do you wear that if you don’t want attention? But you know you shouldn’t think that way because of the sexual harassment meeting you all had to go to. Seriously, how lame was that? And you couldn’t help but notice that the female lawyer running the seminar had a huge rack, like, ridiculously huge for someone who has to talk about that kind of stuff. Well, I guess that’s the definition of the word…
I-ron-y
Goodbye
Say goodbye to manhood
Goodbye
Say goodbye to babies
Goodbye
Say goodbye to kids like Meg

Bass Solo: Vacuum out your sack

W
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
Jungle Love
Listen >>

South Americans: I wanna Jitterbug
Jitterbug
Chris: You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin’ starts
South Americans: Jitterbug
Chris: Into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang ’til my feet do the same
Wake me up before you go-go
Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
and take me dancing tonight

When We Swing
Brian Sings and Swings
Listen >>

Frank Sinatra Jr: How I love a girl who’s flawless
Stewie: Even better when she’s bra-less
Frank Sinatra Jr and Stewie: But the thing that tops it all is when we swing
Frank Sinatra Jr: How I love a glass of jack
Stewie: Or anything with Robert Stack
Frank Sinatra Jr: But the girls we romance can’t stay out of our pants when we swing
Brian: Yesterday had got me feeling kind of blue
Stewie: So you left, and we replaced you with a Jew
Mort Goldman: Lady!
Stewie: You’re fired!
Mort Goldman: Oy!
Frank Sinatra Jr: We love it when the ladies squeeze us
Stewie: That’s an easy way to please us
Brian, Stewie and Frank: But we feel like freakin’ Jesus when we swing
Brian: I love the work of Allen Funt
Stewie: Or a nicely shaven leg
Brian, Stewie and Frank: But nothing compares to the feeling that we get
No, nothing compares to the feel we get when we swing!

Why Are You Bringin’ Me Down, Man?
Ocean’s Three And A Half
Y
You Do
From Method To Madness
Listen >>

Stewie: A five, six, seven eight! Who’s got the greatest gal around?
Olivia: You do! Who’s got the sweetest man in town?
Stewie: You do!
Olivia: Who’s got a guy who makes her smile all day?
Stewie: By the way, I’m not so bad to look at either
Olivia: Who’s got a guy with lots of brains?
Stewie: You do! Who’s got a girl who loves chow mein?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: Who’s got the greatest love in the world?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: And you do!
Both: Thank goodness I’ve got you
Olivia: Who’s got a guy to tell her jokes?
Stewie: You do! Who’s got a girl to show her folks?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: Who’s got a girl he’d like to one day undress?
Olivia: Give it a rest, I told you you not until we’re married
Stewie: Who’s got a gal with all the snazz?
Olivia: Who’s got the fella with pizzazz?
Stewie: You do! Who’s got the greatest love in the world?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: And you do!
Both: Thank goodness I’ve got you!

You’ve Got A Lot To See
Brian Wallows And Peter’s Swallows
Listen >>

Brian: The sixties brought the hippie breed
And decades later, things have changed indeed
We’ve lost the values, but we’ve kept the weed
You’ve got a lot to see.
The Reagan years have laid the frame

For movie stars to play the White House game
We’re not too far from voting Feldman Haim
You’ve got a lot to see
The town of Vegas has got a different face
‘Cause it’s a family place with lots to do
Where in the 50′s, a man could mingle with scores
Of all the seediest whores
Well now his children can too!
You heard it from the canine’s mouth
The country’s changed, that is except the South
And you’ll agree…
No one really knows my dear lady friend
Just quite how it all will end
So hurry cause you’ve got a lot to see
The baldness gene was a cause for dread
But that’s a fear that you can put to bed
They’ll shave your ass and glue it on your head
You’ve got a lot to see!
The PC age has moved the bar
A word like ‘redneck’ is a step too far
The proper term is ‘country music star’
You’ve got a lot to see
Our flashy cell phones make people mumble gee wiz
Look how important he is
His life must rule
You’ll get a tumor, but on your surgery day
The doc will see it and say
Wow you must really be cool.

Tom: There’s lots of things you may have missed
Adam West: Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan’s creepy phony eye
Neil: That awesome Thunder Cats cartoon
Diane: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon
Meg: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?

Brian: So let’s go see the USA
They’ll treat you right unless you’re black or gay or Cherokee!
But you can forgive the world and its flaws
And follow me there because
You’ve still got a hell of a lot to see
You’ve got.. a.. lot.. to.. see!

You Have AIDS
The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire
Listen >>

Peter: You have AIDS.
All: Yes, you have AIDS.
Peter: I hate to tell you, boy, you have AIDS.
All: You got the AIDS.
Peter: You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here.
All: Or maybe all that unprotected sex which we hear.
Peter: It isn’t clear, but what we’re certain of is that you have AIDS.
All: Yes, you have AIDS.
Peter: Not HIV, but full-blown AIDS.
All: Be sure that you see, that this is not HIV, but full blown AIDS.
Peter: Not HIV, but really full-blown AIDS.
Deep-voiced singer: I’m sorry, I wish it was something less serious…
All: But it’s AIDS!
You’ve got the AIDS.

You Make Me Feel So Young
Dammit Janet!
Listen >>

You make me feel that spring has sprung
And everytime I see you grin
Oh, I’m such a happy individual
The moment that you speak
I want to go and play “Hide ‘n’ Seek”
I want to go bounce the moon,
just like a big toy balloon

Darling you and I, are just like a couple of tots
Running across a meadow, picking up lots of Forget-Me-Nots

You make me feel so young
You make me feel there are songs to be sung
Bells to be rung, and a wonderful fling to be flung
Even when I’m old and grey, I’m gonna feel the way i do today
Because you make me feel so young